Think about it.

I can't stop thinking about Ponyboy... it's all starting to sink in that I may never see him again, and there's a shadow over my head telling me that it's my fault in the first place! He killed a man with Johnny and I don't know what to do. Apparently they hitched onto a train and headed for the country. I was wondering how they'll survive with no money- but it finally clicked in that they must have got a good amount of cash from Dallas. He knows what to do in these situations. I'm in way over my head because I still have to act like nothing's happening with the guys- but deep down I don't know how long I'm going to be able to control my emotions. It's so overwhelming... I mean it's my kid brother, and there's no greaser like him.

Maybe one day we'll be able to see eye to eye on the whole thing with Mom and Dad. I think he appreciates that I sacrifced the thing I'm best at just to support this torn family. But non-the-less, he thinks that I'm being hosile to him because I don't care for him, but that isn't the reason at all. I have to be strong for both Soda and him- and it's tough to show how you really feel.

Everything seemed so much easier when my parents were alive. We had a stable home, people who took care of us, and I had a future. Football. The greatest sport known to man. But once they had to 'leave' I had to take the wheel and sew the remainder of the Curtis group together- and keeping it from breaking apart again. It's a lot of work for just one person- so Sodapop quit school and picked up shifts at a gasoline station with his best bud Steve. I didn't support him not being schooled, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I didn't want Pony to stop with his normal routine of getting acedmeic help as he was too young at the time, and he has the brains in the family. He gets marks for assignments like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway- I'm getting to sad as I write this so I better finish while I'm ahead.