He Kept His Razor Sharp.

As far as I know Pony and Two-Bit went to see Johnny in the hospital and didn't go over so well.

The two of them weren't welcome in the first place- so I think they felt as though they were intruding Johnny's privacy. They were about to leave when one of the nurses came in to notify Johnnycakes that his maw was there to see him. Of course- he didn't want her to come in because she's an old bat that treats him like dirt. She wanted to see him real bad and kept yelling that she had a right to see him as it is her child. Which, don't get me wrong, is true but with all the times that she has abused him; I think it's his decision.

Pony and him really had to go when Johnnycakes got so mad that he past out cold on his bed. I wonder how they're going to take it when Johnny's not going to be here. I mean- I'm preparing myself for the inevitable, but Ponyboy daydreams. And I bet that he's in denial over the whole hardship.

Dallas was fine when they went in to check up on him. Yelling at the nurses, getting up out of bed, walking around and cracking jokes. Seemingly, he was worried that he broke Pony's neck when he hit'em to get the flames out. I'm glad he did to. Ponyboy could've been in as bad condition as Johnny if things went down differently.

I however was at work. Shingling is hard work when it's smoldering hot out. It was very boring and frustrating. The man who's house were doing the job for was being jerk. Didn't even give us a beer for a day of work. Sometimes people can be so selfish and greedy. It gets on my nerves more now, than any other time in my life.

I got to go. Preparing for the rumble tonight. It's going to be great. Just skins. That was the deal.

I Wasn't Feeling Good in the First Place- Kind of Sick Really.

Something drastic happened.

Apparently Ponyboy and Johnny were hiding out from the fuzz at the old, wooden, broken down church- and it burnt down. Dallas had taken them out for a bite to eat at Dairy Queen because they looked as though they were about to collapse they were so skinny. Clearly- when they were driving back to the building to hang out, they told that it was in a uproar of flames. Many people were gawking at it- as it was a historic old place and they couldn't believe that the time had come where it was being destroyed.

Of course- Pony and Johnny ran out like madmen to see what was the reason that it was on fire; but Dallas wanted to get the heck out of that scene. I don't blame him. So they sprinted to the crowd and discovered that there were a group of children inside- unable to get out. Obviously, they had to jump right into the BURNING building and save the youngsters. Ponyboy got out okay- the doctors said that he got some minor burns- but other than that, he was going to be just fine. Dallas can live through anything. Boy is he ever a tough guy.

But Johnny is a different story all together.

He's in critical condition because a piece of burning timer fell onto him back. He was in severe shock and suffering from third degree burns. They are doing everything they can to help lessen the suffering he should be experiencing- but since his back is broken- he can't even feel the pain below his waist. To be serious- I don't think he's going to make it. It would be different if it was someone like Steve, Dally or I- but Johnny so fragile. And I hardly have any hope left.

Sodapop and I went to the hospital to see Pony. There was no doubt that he was overjoyed to see us. He flung himself into my arms and started to bawl. I couldn't help but get teary eyed too. There's no way that I'm never letting go of him again. There's no way. I couldn't take it. There was an abundant amount of reporters there to interview Pony, but I tried to tell them firmly that he had been through too much to be swarmed with strangers. Soda lightened the mood by teasing them. He was grabbing their supplies and wandering through the halls imitating them.

We stayed there for quite a long time until I couldn't stand it- and we had to go home. Pony was so tired that I had to carry him into the house from the Ford pickup. He slept like a baby. In the morning- I had the gut feeling that I had to stay with Ponyboy after that long ordeal, but Two-Bit promised he'd take good care of him. I warned Pony- 'If you smoke more than a pack I'll skin you,'- and I meant it. He's in no condition to be smoking and staying out late like always. You wouldn't believe how skinny he was when I saw him at first. He eats like a horse and I bet Dallas only gave them enough money for one of them to eat well.

But that doesn't matter now- I can fill'em up with our favourites- chocolate milk and chocolate cake. Chocolate will fatten up enough for the big fight between the Socs and the Greasers.

You Could Hear Someone Yelling.

I just started thinking the other day that maybe Ponyboy and Johnny didn't actually kill the Social just for the fun of it. Maybe it was for something like revenge or self-defence- because I don't think that they have the guts or such a black heart to. I could never do it- and I'm tougher than Pony and Johnny put together. And if the thought of them doing it 'under gun point' you could say- is what's helping Sodapop get through all of this- than it's better than nothing.

But today I looked at through another perspective.

Johnny has been though so much in his life- even a percentage of it is something that no one should be forced to go through in their entire life. His parents don't care for him- always putting him down and kicking him out of the house. He's always sleeping on our couch or in the empty lots on warm nights. And with all of these unfortunate memories- comes a lot of hard, cold emotions. He's very quiet and he has such dark eyes as you'd never see in the toughest jailbirds. He has a nervous, suspicious look in his eyes, and they never have any feeling in them.

What if he had enough with the Socs- and went away with it all with one swift movement?

And so now I'm trapped in between two choices. Pondering whether they are guilty of first degree murder- or they didn't kill him under their own will.

Soda and I are trying to regain our normal life patterns and waiting for Pony to come back when it's the appropriate time. Being patient is the key- but just because we miss him so much, Soda sent him a letter a few days ago. I read it, and it mainly talked about how he couldn't believe that Johnny could kill somebody, how he wanted for them to turn themselves in and how they were famous in the newspapers.

Big articles everyday on how the fuzz trying to find them and how they have no idea where they are. They're thick. No question about it.

So anyway, gotta run cause Soda wants his chocolate cake.

Think about it.

I can't stop thinking about Ponyboy... it's all starting to sink in that I may never see him again, and there's a shadow over my head telling me that it's my fault in the first place! He killed a man with Johnny and I don't know what to do. Apparently they hitched onto a train and headed for the country. I was wondering how they'll survive with no money- but it finally clicked in that they must have got a good amount of cash from Dallas. He knows what to do in these situations. I'm in way over my head because I still have to act like nothing's happening with the guys- but deep down I don't know how long I'm going to be able to control my emotions. It's so overwhelming... I mean it's my kid brother, and there's no greaser like him.

Maybe one day we'll be able to see eye to eye on the whole thing with Mom and Dad. I think he appreciates that I sacrifced the thing I'm best at just to support this torn family. But non-the-less, he thinks that I'm being hosile to him because I don't care for him, but that isn't the reason at all. I have to be strong for both Soda and him- and it's tough to show how you really feel.

Everything seemed so much easier when my parents were alive. We had a stable home, people who took care of us, and I had a future. Football. The greatest sport known to man. But once they had to 'leave' I had to take the wheel and sew the remainder of the Curtis group together- and keeping it from breaking apart again. It's a lot of work for just one person- so Sodapop quit school and picked up shifts at a gasoline station with his best bud Steve. I didn't support him not being schooled, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I didn't want Pony to stop with his normal routine of getting acedmeic help as he was too young at the time, and he has the brains in the family. He gets marks for assignments like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway- I'm getting to sad as I write this so I better finish while I'm ahead.

Two Blocks Square

Aw jeez, I hit Pony. I- his own flesh and blood- hit him. Right across the face. He drives me to the point of insanity sometimes- but you have to control it for your family. He's only fouteen and who knows where his mind is. I overreacted. The only way that we are allowed to stay together in one home, without parental supervision, is that we keep in line with the law. His he hardly ever comes home later than his curfew-midnight, so I should have cut him some slack.

And now I might never see him again. I couldn't believe that i had done what I did. It must have hurt because he just looked at me- his eyes all watery, and bolted out the door... just started running down the street. I began to yell after him with Soda but it did no good. His emotions took the best of him.

Sometimes I think that he should go to a boy's home, for at least a little while. To clam down and fully get over mom and dad dying. It would be good for him. He's a great kid at heart- he's worthy of a stable home- with a friendly bunch of people surrounding him. No matter how hard I try- I'm never going to replace his parents. He deserves better- like all of us do.

Soda has got everything going for him- he's got looks, brains... but he just doesn't realise it. And Ponyboy- from those good grades coming from school- he has to be quick-witted. But he never uses common sense in the situations that he needs it.

I need time to recouperate from this whole predicament and get some sleep......